The time has come...

So... It's been a while since my last post. And it's given me a lot of time to think. I've been thinking about lots of different things lately, but most of them have to do with myself. I've always had a problem with hearing God and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and I find that this allows me to fall into a state of conscious vegetation; where I am no more alive that I am dead. And there is no point in this type of life.

For myself, I feel my ministry is towards young people. There is so much depression and hate and self delusion in youth today and it kills me to see it. But I feel un-empowered, not just powerless, but un-empowered. Not by anybody other than myself. I mean, there are days when I deal with these issues as much as anybody else, and that is frustrating. But I realize that a lot of the time in ministry, part of my story will strike something in someone else, and they can get a taste of freedom too. That doesn't make it easier, but worth it.

My dreams... my dream is to play music for the rest of my life. Music that speaks to people, where they are at, often without words. I dream of having my own recording studio that would be able to take artists and musicians who are talented and blessed but unable to afford studio time. I see what music is coming out on the radios and I see the recording business as a dark place, with very little light in it. I want to be a ministry in that area. I have this dream of starting my own business that puts on shows in small towns. To be able to empower those who need it the most.

Yesterday marked two years since my mom passed away. In that time, I've seen a lot of things, and I've said even more things. I realize now, that it is time for change; more than I've been willing or able to before. I've decided to take one year, this next year, and be devoted to living intentionally. It's going to be hard, but it will get easier I think. It's time to change who I am into who I want to be. That time is now.

This is my video for today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3KSWYYJqyo&feature=related

I am second...
~KL~

Finding Something Missing...

I find myself often thinking about the basis of the American declaration of independence. That of course being life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. First off, at what point does love start to take shape? How does one become vulnerable but keep their heart guarded at the same time? This I don't know. A little frustration of mine is one-sided relationships. I am guilty of this, I know, but I hate having an interest in someone who, whether intentionally or not, is just simply not responding. You know? Been there? It sucks. I mean, you just want to be honest with this person, that means a lot to you... and it's not that you wouldn't, or even that you aren't trying! It's that the opportunity isn't presenting itself... plus, let's be honest: the last thing you want to do is be pushy or play easy to get. Frustrating. Anyways...

I think that there are important things in this pursuit of happiness that go beyond what you can find in any other person. I think that a lot of time we don't spend enough time on self reflection and self investment to the point that we forget we are ourselves before we are something to someone else [friend, brother, father, etc...]. Obviously, it is pretty important to do these things. To be recluse and figure ourselves out before we try to pry in or out of other people's lives.

This is one thing that makes me happy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ4hEW2ViUk&feature=channel

~KL~

As of right now, these are the albums that have changed my life the most:

1. It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All A Dream! It's Alright! - mewithoutYou
2. The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me - Brand New
3. The Alchemy Indexes - Thrice
4. Underoath - They're Only Chasing Safety
5. Futures - Jimmy Wat World
6. Skin and Bones - Foo Fighters
7. The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place - Explosions in the Sky
8. Cool Hand Luke - The Fires of Life
9. Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star Volume IV - Coheed & Cambria
10. Slowly Going The Way Of The Buffalo - MxPx
11. To Keep Me From Sinking - Means
12. Sometimes- City & Colour
13. In Our Bedroom After The War - Stars
14. Sagarmatha - The Appleseed Cast
15. Old Crows/Young Cardinals - Alexisonfire

~KL~

Frozen in Mid-Summer...

I find that there is one thing that hits me all the time: music. Sometimes it gives me shivers so intense that I literally shake in my seat. Today that song is "23" by Jimmy Eat World.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MLWzTKVg_E&feature=related

I think this song hits me partially because of memories I have, but also because of where I am in my life. The lyrics are as follows:

{I thought for sure last night, that once we said goodbye, no one else will know these lonely dreams. No one else will know that part of me. I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry every day. I won't always love these selfish things. I won't always live, not stopping.

It was my turn to decide, I knew this was our time. No one else will have me like you do No one else will have me, only you. You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here, and now, I'm ready. Holding on tight, don't give away the end. The one thing that stays mine...

Amazing still it seems, I'll be 23. I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets. You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight, don't give away the end. The one thing that stays mine...

You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight, don't give away the end. The one thing that stays mine...

You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight, don't give away the end. The one thing that stays mine...}

I look upon where I've been, and I find that these words speak forth so many of my emotions. My feelings of selfishness and regret, impatience and loneliness. Amazing still it seems, I am 23... I won't always love what I'll never have, I won't always live in my regrets. Today I feel hopeless. Like I will always be 23 and living in my dad's basement. No place of my own, no place to have, my selfish dreams. When I do dream, I don't see them as all selfish, but there are things that I want for myself. I'll sit alone forever, if I wait for the right time... I want to know what I'm hoping for.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GvE-VeGMKs&feature=related

~KL~

Lightening to the Wind...

Have you ever seen lightning strike dry grass? Or illuminate the sky so that the shrouded night appears brighter than the day? For a moment, all around you is so engulfed in fire that the very hour itself deceives you. One of the common misconceptions about lightning is that lightning's negatively charged electrons move from the air to the ground, when in fact, it is often met half way by a stringing of protons from the ground, or other reasonable conduit.

The reason this fascinates me is this: lightning is a huge power, a force that cannot be harnessed, and something that draws emotions out of everyone. Be it fear, awe, inspiration, or the like, there is no one left unfathomed by it. But as I have very clearly explained with such substantial proof no one could differ, we see that it travels in two directions, moving both north and south as inertia drives it. "Power, coming from more than two directions? That can't be true. When I see lightning, it hit the ground; there is no middle-meeting-point at which both ends connect to create the static light that we see. Impossible."

To you I say fool. Look at the facts. And then look beyond the facts. Because no matter what you believe to be true about lightning, one thing remains the same: it happens. Now don't go putting religious mumbo jumbo behind this, but hear me when I say... Find inspiration in the things that we take for granted. If you waste your life on miserable proofs, where there is no reasonable facsimile for anything other than what we deem to be more than reasonable suspicion. It doesn't matter what you believe if you are dead.

http://tinyurl.com/ncguqu

~KL~

Blind leading the blind...

Sometimes, I find myself wanting to change the world. I think, "I'm a pretty wise person, I have some influence. I can change what people think... how they act..." and it frustrates me when I can't, or sometimes; I think more-so, when I shouldn't. There are things that are out of my control completely; actions of others that I can be no more than spectator at. It is not my place to be that 'all-determining' factor to people, but I am to be a someone who gives honest and sincere report about the things that I feel, and the things that I see. Always reminding those I talk with to take everything I say with a grain of salt. As much as I wish I could make things better, I can't. I'm fallible, I'm imperfect, and I'm weak.

So what do I really want to be then? I want to be compassion. I want my words to be life, and to speak truth into death. Sometimes I don't know how this looks, and most times, I probably speak out of line. But there is something to be said for words that come out of sincere emotion without dividing the lines of abuse and tactfulness. My words are merely spoken until they are acted upon. But I constantly think about how hard this is. To love the unlovable is sometimes easier than loving those you truly care about. It is hard to know how love looks in awkward or hurtful situations, but I think that compassion is absolutely essential. I will wear compassion, I will wear it, at the gates of Hell... We'll stand together...

~KL~

com-pas-sion
noun -
sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
from the Latin compassio, from compati "suffer with"

http://tinyurl.com/lvszcn

For the sake of all things good...

Last night I made a big mistake: I watched "PS. I love you" by myself. Why was this a mistake? Because I am sick, and getting weepy over a movie, doesn't really help that. Anyways, it got me thinking. For those of you who don't know the plot, here is the Cambell's Soup version: Irish boy finds girl, they marry, he dies from brain tumor, she tries to get over him, he speaks from the dead. Ok, so I am sure that cleared everything up.

Anyways, as Jerry (Irish stud and husband who dies) is in the hospital with his tumor, he sets out this entire plan to get his soon to be widowed wife on her feet and following her dreams. So he writes her letters to be delivered at different times and plans trips for her and makes her do things that she wouldn't have done if it weren't for him. This whole process takes over a year, but at the end of it, she realizes that she can't feel Jerry around anymore and she is able to, somewhat, rest with the idea that moving on is alright.

This made me think of my favorite quote from "Dan in Real Life". As follows: "This corn is like an angel..." Which reminded me of my second favorite quote, "Love is not a feeling; it is an ability." I think that too often we are confused as to what love is. Love can be lost; love can be found. Love is not easy, in fact, it is often the hardest thing that we have to deal with. Love knows misery, and love understands shame. But love can also die, if not nurtured. Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single sole, inhabiting one body..." but this is only part of the equation. Loving one person is not enough; at very least love yourself also. Because if you cannot love yourself, you will not be able to pour love into others. It hurts me to see people that I love, struggling with their ability to love, especially when they don't see it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I could do it better! But I am saying that love hurts, and it is hard. And the only thing worse that living without love, is walking away from it.

~KL~