Drugs

I promised myself I would blog about my caffeine fast...

This will be boring for the majority of people, and will probably sound like a pandemic of teenage dribble, but it's for me, not for you... You're just welcomed to share in it.

So here it goes:

For every day, there's a new cup of coffee... or pot of coffee in my case. Put factors like no sleep schedule, and addictive personality, and a busy like together in combination and you've set yourself up for something. For me, it was an addiction to caffeine, both in the form of coffee and energy drinks (which were by far the major culprit). At one point, I steered away from energy drinks because they had so much sugar and calories in them, but then when you have 15 and 20 calorie options, there wasn't much holding me back.

My issue started on November 9. I got up super early to head to Winnipeg for the weekend to visit with friends, and in the time it took me to drive to Medicine Hat from Strathmore, I had already had a Large Double Double and two Rockstars, which is already over the daily recommended intake. I ended up having to turn back because of weather, and a very bitter me went to bed when I got home. When I woke up, I had gotten a message that an old roommate from college was coming by, and needed a place to stay for a few days, and me being on vacation (and having my trip cancelled), was more than willing to accomodate. 

The next week consisted of literally nothing but video games, movies, and caffeine for me. On Wednesday the 14 of November, I found myself unable to sleep, lying in bed for 4 hours without any real rest. So I decided to make coffee and just stay up to the next night. The problem was, I was drinking so many energy drinks and so much coffee that I had the same problem the next day. During that 5 day work week, I had consumed 4 weeks worth of caffeine, culminating on November 15 with 4 energy drinks, and the equivalent of 2 and a half pots of coffee (I just lost track at some point as to what was being consumed) in the span of an 8 hour work day. On the night of the 15, I had actually managed to fall asleep, but was awoken around 3:00AM, unable to breathe, and having muscle spasms in both of my legs, and what felt like an irregular heartbeat, from what I assumed was a lack of breathing. 

When I had collected myself, and caught my breath, I googled what I had just gone through because there was no way I was going to a doctor or a hospital. Of all my searches, Caffeine Toxicity was the number return on my searches. Of the 15 symptoms it listed, I was experiencing 9-10 of them, some of them for as long as 2 years.

I managed to fall back to sleep, and the first thing I did was lie out my empty cans and coffee cups from the last two days, and it covered up half of my dining room table. It was when it was laid out in front of me that I realized how bad my issue was, and I needed to do something. So I decided that on Sunday the 18 of November I would start a 4 week caffeine fast, and I spent the weekend before trying to wean myself off of it. I decided, no sodas, coffees, or energy drinks during the span of my fasting (with the one exception being that I would have some Coke on Grey Cup Sunday). 

Fasting Started

I had no idea, but the next 2 weeks would almost be the end of me. I would have trouble staying awake for anything over 20 minutes at a time. I was napping every day, sometimes more than once a day. Basic thoughts were hard for me to put together. Like, I know it sounds dumb, but there was literally one morning where I remember sitting in my car and being so frustrated that I couldn't remember where to put my key to start it. Looking back, I'm glad I caught it when I did; because if I had carried on with that lifestyle, I don't know how long I would have lasted. My body was giving me every warning that I was closely approaching my expiration date. I had a headache that lasted for 15 days, and I never get headaches. I had to leave work one morning because I couldn't focus my eyes enough to even be able to read.

For the first week, I went to bed every night with the shakes. You wouldn't think that a caffeine withdrawal could do that, and it made me realize how deep I was in it. Random thought: Take away a vegan's juicer and watch them squirm.

After the first two weeks, the majority of the physical issues had resolved themselves. I was still sleeping a lot, but it was my body catching up on sleep lost over the past 8 years, and understandably so.

As of December 16, I was finished, but I decided last minute to extend it another week... just to make sure that I was giving my new habits time to form and take root.

I'm back to drinking coffee again, but within reason now. I have set limits for myself, and I refuse to fall back into where I was a month ago.

I think the thing that hit me the most, was the fact that I was losing my perception of reality to something that was damaging me physically, and mentally. Weird to think that I'm not as invincible as I once thought that I was...

I know it's not the same as being addicted to something like meth or cocaine, but for me, it might as well have been. That stuff wrecked me, and things could have gotten way worse than they were if I had kept heading down my self-paved path of destruction.

2012 Concluded

What a year... It's definitely been a journey. Loads of ups and downs. Failures and triumphs. Moments of sanity and breakdown. Relationships come and gone.

Nostalgia is good, but it is so useless to dwell in the past.

Been some awesome things happen this past year. In 8 days, January 10, 2013, I will have had my beard growing for a whole year. That's crazy. I can't count the amount of times I've had it sticky with maple syrup or toothpaste. It's funny cause it's one of those things that so many people find gross, or don't understand... and I get that. But to me, it was a bit of a challenge, which has become a piece of my identity. For me, I always have trouble sticking to things for any length of time, and as gross, or useless, or stupid as it may have seemed it was an accomplishment for me.
Beard Timeline


I got the opportunity to rebuild a guitar, which has been sitting around my house being unused and covered in stickers for like 5 years. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, but when I get to take something so ugly and useless and refurbish it into something that's awesome, what a great feeling it is. I feel like I'm in the middle of that process myself sometimes. Restoration is a tedious, and extensive process, but the end result is so worth it.
Guitar Rebuild


I also got the opportunity to lead Sr Teen Camp and Moose Lake, which in turn, meant many sleepless nights, loads of inside jokes, pranks, and many new relationships. It was probably the hardest week of my entire year, but one of the more rewarding. Camp is like youth pastoring on steroids, because all your ministry time, and 'dealing with issues' time is crammed into 7 days. That being said, it's a not so subtle reminder fo the world we live in. There is so much life in our youth today, but in a world that is constantly barricading itself in hurt and hate, love has to work harder to shine through. But all it takes is a little light to break through darkness. I'm so thankful that places like Moose Lake exist. I know the kind of effect that camps can have on kids growing up.

With that in mind, I want to honor the people who worked that week with me. Brent Mason, Hannah Schmaltz, Cara Pederson, Monica Soltys-Starret, Konrad Seabrook, Greg & Kim Cooper, Jackie "FEDLER" Fedler, Dave & Erin Schellenberg, Graeme Bargen, Tamara Lomenda, Katy Haydon, Addison Sims, all the Mutch's and kitchen staff. One week may not seem like a big deal, but it only takes one minute to make a connection with a youth that can change a life. That's an investment I can't measure. 


In June, I got to create and host Rock the Docks which was a free concert in our town's local park that saw 200+ people get exposed to the message of Christ. We had Rend, Bracing for Downpour, Phao, Yosh Blunderfield, and our own youth band Unwritten all playing outdoors. It was small in comparison  to any kind of show you would see in a big city, but it was huge for Strathmore. The music was great, but the one thing that will stick with me is the kid who showed up with a trench coat full of mangoes and offerred for me to have some.
Rock the Docks


I went to Street Invaders bootcamp in Eston, SK, and got to play worship for the week with Beggars at the BC bootcamp. What a journey that was. Getting to see the mountains again, and the coast, and getting locked outside of the church and having to read a book in +35C weather... I'm not built for that!

2012 Listed Accomplishments:

- Beard growing

- Rock the Docks

- Street Invaders

- MLGC Sr Teen

- Seeing Alexisonfire and Moneen

- Buying a homeless man a pack of cigarettes in exchange for letting me share my story

- Setting a personal record for campfires had in one year

- VBS

- #viewfromthecrapper

- Touching Nik Lewis

- Baptizing 5 congregation members including 3 of my youth

- Baptizing Joel at camp

- Pretty much any moment Alvin Kauffman was around me, which was a lot... and that's a good thing.

I think that's it, at least for now... 

I'm not emo... I just cry mascara.

I've been thinking a lot about life in general. Life is so fragile.

Our community lost a 15 year old man to an ecstasy overdose this past weekend, and it makes me question the influence I'm having here. Now I'd never met that young man, but why not? Why are there youth in my city who I haven't met and haven't met me? Isn't that the point of youth ministry? To be obnoxious to the point that every one knows who you are? I'm not trying to call into question my ministry because I see fruit in the things that I am doing, but I wonder if maybe there needs to be a paradigm shift in how things look a little bit.

My heart breaks for this young man. For his family, his friends. Quite literally, if this young man didn't have a relationship with Jesus he's in Hell. That breaks me... I'm not sure I know how to reach those kids. The ones who don't think they need to be reached. The ones who think they have it all together. Why would they ever be seen in a church? Why would the need church, let alone Jesus?

It's hard to be a life changer. Where do I even start?

I'm hungry, and there is a crayon drawing of a dinosaur with an "I Love Mom" tattoo on it's arm staring at me and it's making me nervous.

Beard out.

A New Year... Late beginnings.

Almost one physical year has passed since my last blog. That's a shame. Hopefully I can make this a more constant thing.

I held off on making New Years resolutions this year because I wanted to really take time to consider what was important to me, and what I really thought were things that needed changing. Some of those things are more clear to me now, although, I'm still deciding which ones I will make public.

I also have to choose what direction I want to take this blog as well. I think I will use it as a Q/A forum in some ways for questions I have that are maybe not appropriate for me to post in other places like facebook. Here's where we will be real; vulnerable.

~KL~

Well, one of my New Years resolutions was to blog more, and seeing as it's only been 5 months, I'm well ahead of last year. As per usual, music inspires me to write. Over the last few months, things have changed for me so much. I've started a new job youth pastoring, I've moved into my own place, I have bills, and all things et cetera. But even in all this change there has been things that are constant, and I don't just mean God (sometimes I hate having to point out the obvious). But I mean things like doubt. I mean, I heard it so many times, "Once you're married, it doesn't mean that you'll never struggle with lust again, in fact it may come at you harder." Even knowing this, I still think that i expected to instantly be close to God once I started this job. And that hasn't really been the case. In fact, I often still doubt, but not about things that I used to. By doubts have changed from God's existence and involvement to my own capabilities, which means, that I must lean harder on my faith to do what I don't believe I can do. And now I find myself referring back to something I heard while still in my youth: God isn't so much focussed on the results, but he's focussed on the effort. I know I don't have to be perfect, I'd like to be... I think that would make things significantly easier in a lot of ways. But I'm not, and I won't ever be. And I'm ok with that. Now to the music reference:

"Everest" by The Emerson Letters (Northcote)

Everest, Everest, I've reached so far, dreamt many dreams, before I knew you

I was lost in my youth, in the deep deep snow, I climbed so high, but I did not

Stop when I was alone in this whipping wind, I will say, I will say

We will see this through, we will see it

We will see this through, we will see it

Cause we won't go, till the climate takes us, we will see this through

Everest, Everest, I've reached so far, dreamt many dreams, before I knew you.

I was lost in my youth, in the deep deep snow, I climbed so high, but I did not

Stop when I was alone in this whipping wind, I will say, I will say

We will see this through, we will see it

We will see this through, we will see it

Cause we won't go, till the climate takes us, we will see this through

We will see this through...

"fin"

I hope that in the face of this whipping wind, I will see this through...

~KL~

1 Song, Two Albums...

So, it's been a while. I'm lying here listening to The Appleseed Cast, reflecting on things. Rambling commence:

I wonder at what point we give up on things. Not necessarily the point at which our action is actually stopped, but when the process of deciding is no longer in our hands as we have, possibly very subtly, come to a decision. I will elaborate. If I can't decide between two sandwiches, turkey or egg salad, I turn to my friend and I as... "What should I get?" But too often the answer is already decided, so why the second opinion? I already know that I want the turkey sandwich, there is no reason to question this. I will subconsciously choose this whether 'second opinion' agrees or not. My question, I guess, lies in the period of time between said subconscious decision and actual decisive action. Why this long transgression? If you've made up your mind, then choose. You know what you want before you are asked, especially in terms of decisions far greater than turkey or egg. So choose, enough lallygagging and muddling, it's time to act upon the decision you made some time ago. There is no shame in it, lest it be a moral decision (think this over next time Tiger). You disappoint the longer you put it off...

~KL~

Driftwood...

I think the only thing harder than losing someone that you care about is watching them walk away. It's one thing to cope with a complete loss, but that is a change that is so drastic it demands adaptation. But when you care about someone and they just don't seem to get it... it sucks. A lot. It frustrates me that we can get so caught up in ourselves that we just begin to fall apart at the seams. Of course this is nothing that a little bit of fine tailoring couldn't fix, but it seems so hard to thread that needle to begin repairs.

Anyways, I'm sitting outside in a hoodie and shorts and it is so cold right now. Autumn is definitely making its mark on the weather. I can smell the leave losing their color and I can feel the frost getting ready do replace the summer dew. I think the most exciting part about fall for me is the fact that it kills all the plants. Not because I hate vegetation by any means, but because it means that when they rise again come spring, it is a new chance for all of them to grow again. A chance to bring forth new fruits and flowers and a chance to be even more beautiful that the previous season. Seasons change, that is inevitable; but springing new life is hard. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to just continue being a seed in the ground than to ever chute forth.

~KL~